The Further Adventures of Proto-Mechanic: Home Edition or The Two Ceiling Fans

The Job: unhooking two old and installing two new ceiling fans.
The Place: Casa de Proto, "Den" and Living Room
Estimated Time to Completion: 2 hours total


A few shout outs:
1) to Big Dave who "always changes his ceiling fans after just switching off the light switch." You obviously have never dealt with my friend...
2) Dr. Frankenstein, who not only plumbed my house but apparently wired it as well. Rot in hell, you sonofabitch.

My first mistake was assuming that, after the difficulties of the Water Heater, this would be... sigh... a cinch.

I give you the Tale of the Two Ceiling Fans or Dr. Proto and Mr. Out-of-His-Damn-Mind Crazy Person.


So, after looking at the ceiling fans we bought a month ago gather dust under the window, I figured it was time to give it a whirl (hee-hee. Se what I did there?). First order of business was to take the old ceiling fan down in the living room. Switched the switch to "off." Ready to go. I mean really easy to take down. Only issue was that I lowered the motor shroud before undoing the blades and the shroud kept getting in the way as I removed the blades. If that were the worst of my problems, I... see, that was where I thought to myself, this is gonna be a cinch!

Unpack the ceiling fan and light fixture. Figure I would limit my above head work and attach the light fixture first. Mistake number one of eighty seven I would commit over the afternoon.

On a side note, a ceiling fan has roughly five hundred feet of wire in it. Proto will learn shortly that you have to trim these wires WAY back. Way. Back. That's called foreshadowing, folks.

So, with the fixture on you cannot put the fan blades on. Balls. I loosen the fixture to put the blades on.

Side note: Christan put together the fan blades. Did a real fine job of it, too. Only thing that went right from here on out.

Get the fan blades on and the fixture tightened up... and there is a bracket cover that needs to go over the motor and it probably needs to go on first, but Proto did not read the directions 'cause Proto knows all 'bout this shit and so Proto has to put the bracket cover on which says it only takes three screws with three lock washers but actually takes six and there are only three lock washers but HEY! Proto gets it on, so that part is done and the whole ceiling fan is together  and that is yet another mistake.*

Go to put the support bracket up. No problem until... BLAM!

I see: A flash.
I feel: a jolt.
I hear:

Hot wires hitting metal: Blam!

Proto-Mechanic: "Son of Bitchin' Bulls%$T bastard! BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEP"

And like that the facade of control that has been Proto's life began its downward spiral.

Apparently there is still juice flowing. Thanks, Big Dave! I break out the voltmeter and, yes, a little bit of juice is flowing. Not much, but just enough to piss me off. So begins the search for the proper breaker. Oh, hey, thanks to Victor, there is not one. I turn all the power off to the house. (Ref: The Dishwasher Incident).

I cut the wires to shorten them, but not enough. How do I know that it is not enough? Lemme 'splain. We (Chris and Me) lift the WHOLE DAMN CEILING FAN up to the wires in order to splice them. This is the * from above. The thing is pretty heavy, but the wires are so long it is not a big issue. With a few delt resting pauses, I splice the wires and try to hook the fan's bracket cover over the bracket.

"It, will start, but it, it, it just won't go." (re: The Dishwasher Incident)

Finally get it locked into place, but it is a little catty whompus. I growl for Christan to turn the breaker and the thing is working. Light and all! Yay! But it is still crooked. I go to maneuver it and... Blam!

I see: 1) a flash and 2) smoke. Never a good sign.
I feel: an anger like I ain't felt in a looong time... and a jolt.
I hear: Lots of swearing.
I start: to weep. Not even kidding.

"Oh, yeah! Dave just does it by turning off the (bleeping) switch! Terry (proper name left out in my anger) does it with Jedi Mind tricks. (SWEAR!!!) Oh, and your brother (to Christan), your..." I begin to weep again.

Throw the breakers to the house, and pull the ceiling fan down. The wires were still too long (see, I told ya!) and got pressed against the bracket, cutting the insulation and completing the circuit of horror. The result: burned through wires.

The result: I lost my ever loving mind.

Five minutes later, I begin weeping again.

Christan: "Maybe you should step away from it for a while."

Proto with Madness in his Eyes: "No! I have to to finish it!" More weeping.

So, cut the wires down and then we wrestle with the fully assembled ceiling fan for twenty minutes before we have to stop. Christan just can't hold it up for long. Damn her and her weak delts. Lord, I wanted to kill her, though I recognize it was not her or her delts's fault. Now anyway. At the time it very well could have been.

I storm out of the house to get the ladder, but the power to the garage is off.

I lose my ever-loving mind.

Ten minutes later, I begin to cry.

Power on. Get the ladder. Power off. Set the fan on the ladder and in another fifteen minutes, we (yup, she hung around) we have a ceiling fan that works. The only down side is that the ceiling around the fan is 1) scorched and 2) ratty looking cause the old fan housing was way bigger.

Christan: "We may have to patch that."

Proto: "What?!"

Christan: "Never mind."

Proto: "I hope you die!"

Good news, the pull fobs for the fixtures are nice.


Fan one and Mr. Insane-O: 3.5 hours


Roughly twenty four hours later, I start to open the other fan box.

Christan: "Ah, feeling froggy, huh."

Proto: "Me-me-meh-meh." As any adult would. "Just put the fan blades together and hush."

Christan: Laughs with mocking eyes. I say nothing. I owe her one for releasing the madness twenty-four hours previous. Roughly.

I DO NOT attach the light fixture. I DO NOT attach the blades.

I DO use my voltmeter. I DO find a breaker that turns off the 115 volts flowing through those wires. I DO use a metal plate on the end of a broom to test whether the power is REALLY off.

We DO strain for a few minutes of rubbery delts to hook up the motor. Thirty minutes later, we DO have a fan and ten minutes later than that we DO have a light fixture and there is no sign of the crazy man from before though he was a shadow in Proto's eye when Proto cracked one of the new fixture glass bulbs.

Fan two and Dr. Proto: one hour. 


Fan three: Screw that shit. 

Twenty years/Twenty songs: The Playlist

Well, I cheated. I came up with two playlists. The first is less meaningful. It has songs that remind me of certain things or filled with songs that have resonated with the two of us over the years. The second is the one that tells the story of us... in song.

Playlist One
1. Bootyliscious: Destiny's Child- My theme song
2. Wonderful Tonight: Eric Clapton- My sad 17 year old ass sand this to her when we were crazy kids.
3. The Mighty Quinn: Mannfred Mann- Was always on the radio when we got in the car back in the day.
4. Oh, What a Thrill: The Mavericks- snicker.
5. Do You Remember?: Phil Collins- Reminiscent of a tough time.
6. Runaway Train: Vigilantes of Love- I always think of Logan when I hear this song.
7. The Middle: Jimmy Eat World- Nathan.
8. April Showers: Caedmon's Call- Gage loved this song as a Toddler and it is the one I associate with him.
9. In The End: Linkin Park- The one hard band we can agree on.
10. Cumbersome: Seven Mary Three- snicker.
11. Gone Away: Lucy Schwartz- A song I got from Christan that reminds me of the difficulty of the mid-way point.
12. Pushit: Tool- Very much us at that time.
13. Roads: Portishead- Ditto
14. I'm Already There: Lonestar- Me on the road was yet another tough time.
15. Take Me as I Am: Tonic- You get to a point where you want to accept and be accepted as such.
16: Just Another Day: Jon Secada- This one has spanned the entirety.
17. The Dance: Garth Brooks- The only reason this one is not on the primary list is that the characters are no longer together. The sentiment rings true.
18. Seven turns: The Allman Brothers Band- Reminds me of Nathan and the passage of time.
19. Higher: Creed
20: The Club Can't Even Handle Me Right Now: Flo Rida- Chris's theme song.

The List is the Story
1. Unchained Melody: The Righteous Brothers
2. What a Good Boy: Bare-naked Ladies
3. Dulcinea: Toad the Wet Sprocket
4: U2: One
5. Stone: Adam Again
6. Somewhere North: Caedmon's Call
7. Somewhere out There: Our Lady Peace
8. Nothing Like a Train: Vigilantes of Love
9. Schism: Tool
10. Lie to Me: 12 Stones
11. Suspicious Minds: Elvis
12. What a Crying Shame: The Mavericks
13. Let it Fade: Jeremy Camp
14. Rise Above This: Seether
15. The Long and Winding Road: The Beatles
16. Beautiful: Plankeye
17. Collide: Howie Day
18. Colorful: The Verve Pipe
19. In My Life: The Beatles
20. Crazy Life: Toad the Wet Sprocket: The meaning of the song deals with the tragedy at Wounded Knee,. but I have always applied it to the continuance of the intent when all goes to shit. We are a good example of that and it's not over, it's not over, it's not over...

The Further Adventures of Proto-Mechanic

The Vehicle: 2006 Dodge GRAND Caravan SXT (Tricky!) 3.8L of Glorious Power!
The Job: Replacing a failed power Window Regulator
Estimated Time: 4 hours (Proto has some Experience with this)
The Place: Proto-Mechanic Garage, Casa de Proto, corner of Hanley and Ben Couch Road next to the Woolworth's. 


So, a week and change ago, the power window I replaced a few months back began to grinding and then it would not go all the way up by itself. As related in the last Proto entry, I got to it and found the glass had popped out of the retaining clip. When I went to fix that, the bolt on the clip snapped in half. Undaunted, I drilled the old bolt out and put a smaller bolt through the clips with a nut behind it. Worked like a charm. unfortunately, it did not fix the window.

Somehow or someway, the wires in the regulator had become frayed and were no longer working properly. On Sunday we headed off to Lowe's and then made my way down Memorial Drive hitting:

Aaaa-dvanced! Ahhhuto Parts!: they had one for eighty nine bucks.

Oh-oh-oh, O'Reily's: A hundred and two and would have to order.

The Zone... Dunta-dunta-dun-ta-duh AutoZone!: Good news, the part had a lifetime warranty, so they ordered it for me. I was to pick it up Tuesday. For free!

So, Tuesday, I call the Zone... Dunta-dunta-dun-ta-duh AutoZone! to see if the regulator actually came in. It did so I ran to the house and took the old one out. Took about fifteen minutes. Most of that was screwing with the new bolt I had put in (no pun intended). It would NOT come out. Called in the Beast known as Nate and we forced that window out of there. Got the regulator out, but the wires actually snapped in the process. Scared the crap out of me.

Off to the Zone...Dunta-dunta-dun-ta-duh AutoZone! Get my regulator... for free! Head off to the Casa de Proto and... one of the clips on the regulator is broken.

Balls nasty.

Back to the Zone... Dunta-dunta-dun-ta-duh AutoZone! where they give me my money back. All I can think about as I head to Aaaa-dvanced! Ahhhuto Parts! is that it is now seven o'clock and it is gonna take me three hours to put this thing in. Balls. Nasty.

They still have the part and it is exactly the same price as my refund (smile). Back to the Casa de Proto. I move the van under the carport for the light and focus my attention on the regulator. Time to wrestle this bad boy into spot. With any luck I will get it in within and hour.

Three minutes later I pause and eyeball the door where I have already gotten the regulator in. I figure that I did something wrong or was abducted by aliens who 1) probably probed me and 2) put my regulator in.

Turns out neither was the case. Less than an hour later I have the whole shooting match put together. The window works perfectly. I think the old one might have been defective, it never sounded this smooth. Sweet.

Son of a bitch. It took me twice as long to get the part as it did to put it in. Proto-Mechanic triumphant!

Actual Time: I am counting this as one hour and fifteen minutes. Not my fault the replacement part was broken. So there!