The Place: The Driveway
The Job: Water Pump on the 2006 GRAND Caravan
Estimated Time: I figured all weekend...
Been noticing an odd sound from the van. I believed it to be a loose pulley, but figured it was the AC compressor. Was really worried about this, but with no real problems, I turned a deaf eye. Friday it was really making a racket. Then when we stopped at Penney's I could smell antifreeze. When we got home, the antifreeze was pouring out of something at the back of the motor. Proto-Mechanic senses told me there was a leak. Glad I caught it in time.
A quick call to Master-of-Sport Mechanic and All-Round Great Guy, My Personal Mechanicing Lifeline Terry, confirmed this. He also said it was probably the water pump. So, my Saturday was set!
Got up Saturday and jacked up the car. Sure enough, antifreeze pouring out of the water pump. Chris took me to Hardee's to carb up for my endeavor. A quick trip to The Zone, duh-duh-dunta-duh, Autozone. Water pump, jack stands and a gallon of antifreeze (straight, none of that 50/50 cheap stuff) and a deposit of Eighty-Five dollars and we were ready to go. Told the guy at the counter I would probably be back for a tool that I did not have. He was like, "Naw, this should be straight forward." I told him he did not understand the travails of Proto-Mechanic and that he might better hush up and learn. Well, I didn't say that but I really, really thought it. I laughed and smiled and said, "It never fails."
So, first order of business: jack up the van. Of course, I have never used jack stands before and was therefore not sure where to put them. Good thing I had no idea where the belt tensioner was. Two questions necessitates a call to Master-of-Sport-Mechanic and All-'Round Great Guy, My Personal Mechanicing Lifeline Terry. He gives me the lowdown and gives me the hint to remove the tire an the plastic shroud to get at things easier. This proved to be very helpfeul. The plan was to get that belt off and get at it.
Holy shit. Though, I will admit that if I had done a little research beforehand, I would have known the "secret" and would have therefore have avoided the next three hour nightmare. Live and learn. Oh, and swear... alot.
So, as to the belt tensioner, I know that either the bolt in the middle needs to be turned or the square off to the side has to be manipulated in order to release the tensioner. Fine. Turn the bolt. It wants to come off or be tightened until I snap that sucker off and the world ends with a bang not a whimper. Reason gets the better of me and I go to the square. The ratchet I have rattles around in there like dice in a Yahtzee! cup. Try to work in my 1/2 drive breaker bar and the wheel well is too close for comfort (remember this kids!). But I can tell that the square is 1/2 inch. I will simply need a smaller 1/2 inch drive.
Off to the Autozone... duna-dunta-dun-dun... Autozone! just as I promised the kid at the counter. No dice, all they have is the pear heads and I know those will be too fat to fit. They are also stupid expensive (17-35 bucks? Balls!). Off to Wal-Mart. They have nothing but the damn pear heads. There is a cheap kit (20.99) that has a 1/2 inch drive that looks right, but the kit will not open without cutting the tie strap, but I risk it and drive all the way back to Blackshear.
The damn 1/2 inch drive is too damn big. Damn. Head into Blackshear and hit Ace Hardware (you know the place with the helpful hardware... in this case 17 year old with Justin Beiber hair). Beibs does not quite understand what I need and why, but all the 1/2 drives are too big.
"You have any square metal that I can get cut?" I ask.
"We got square keys."
Eureka! "Lead on, my good son."
They have a whole box of 'em. One of which is 1/2 inch wide, but three inches long. That simply will not do, but they agree to cut it for me. Awesome. Makes lots of pretty sparks and a wonderful stench that reminds me of the good ol' days at Mixon Auto Parts. Two dollars and a half and back to the house.
Grab the vice grips, fiddle for a few minutes, engage Gage's help and that belt is off, baby! Best part is that water pump is right there staring at me in the face. A quick and exceptionally messy draining of the coolant system is messy, nasty and uneventful.
"This is gonna be a cinch," I whisper into the afternoon. Apparently, I will never learn.
Regardless, I do take the time to locate the F_______r bolt. The very top one, but once I get the pulley off, it should not be too bad. Pulley bolts (13 mm) come off easy as chicken pie with gravy. I actually can use the wheel well as leverage. Awesome. Pull the pulley off and...
It is trapped betwext the WW and the Water Pump. Balls! But no big whoop. Well, kinda a whoop. I have to continually move the pulley to get to the water pump bolts (10mm), but it is pretty quick work. I do lose one of the bolts, but assume I will find it. Eventually. Still, things are traipsing right along. Until the F____r bolt. From here on out this bolt, which EVERY job has, will be referred to as the F-Bolt, Pol Pot or AMANDA. Well, Pol Pot is wedged way up in the catacombs of the engine. No ratchet can really get to it, but my new new set of mm wrenches (see the very first Proto-Mechanic entry) comes in handy. Of course, the range of motion is about the length of a very thick human hair. Once Pol Pot gets going I have to revert to using my hands. I say "hands" because at this point I am regretting my night at the gym Friday. Forearms are shot, so I have to alternate arms. Luckily, I have small hands. Small, thick hands attached to muscular forearms that wedge up against metal perfectly to induce pain. I have to switch from side to side to alternate hands and every third time I do so I wack my head on the brake caliper and utter either a 1) a swear or 2) a less-than-masculine squeal. But, after a long elapsed time, the water pump breaks free...
and will not come out because it is all to close to the wheel well. AMANDA!!!
I fiddle for several minutes. Christan comes out and asks how it is going. I swear at her. She asks about the brakes (another day) I tell her to go away, nearly weeping that the Pol Pot Water Pump will NOT come out of the hole. I resort to a crow bar and snatch that dirty bastard out of there, breaking several of the plastic ribs on the interior pump wheel in the process, but it is out of there.
I have a fear: will the other water pump go in? I mean the old WP was a pain to get out. I test it out: the AMANDA pump goes nowhere near the Pol Pot mounting area.
I go to call Master-of-Sport-Mechanic and All-'Round-Great-Guy, my personal Mechanicing Lifeline, Terry... and my phone is dead.
It was a this point that I lost my F-Bolt mind. I mean seriously, it was embarrassing.
So, after the phone charges and the Bulldogs lose, I make the call to Master of... you know who, dammit! I describe my predicament and he calmly relays the message:
"You may have to loosen the motor mount and lower the engine."
It was at this point that I became a simpering bitch. I mean it was embarrassing. But, in my defense I was aggravated and more than a little daunted. Lower the engine with my floor jack? Why not ask me to reinvent sliced bread for AMANDA's sake?I end my freak out by simpering to MoSMaARGG,MPML Terry that I will check on the internet and see what it says.
Apparently, If I had gone on the internet earlier I would have learned a secret. The top motor mount has three bolts that, when loosened, lower the engine enough to 1)get a 1/2 drive in the square of the belt tensioner and 2) pop the water pump right in there, buddy. To his credit MoSMaARGG, MPML Terry called it, I was just too much of a whining wussy (SIMPERING AMANDA BITCH!) to believe it could be done.
Sure enough this works like magic. Does not gove you enough room to put the pulley on first, but the Water Pump goes in there pretty easily. The damn "O" seal keeps falling off. Terry (Master-of-Sport Mechanic and All-'Round-Great Guy, My Personal Mechanicing Lifeline) suggested using oil, grease or Vaseline to keep in place. Oil did not work and I do not have any of the others, but Vick's Vap-O-Rub works just fine.
The bolts go into place, during which:
I rap my knuckles and scream like a girl: 4
I drop the ratchet perfectly on my forehead and almost pass out: once
I find the "lost" bolt sitting on the suspension with a snide look on its face: once
On to AMANDA: this takes for Pol Pot EVER! During which:
I rap my knuckles and swear loudly: 13
I rap my knuckles and scream like a girl: 2 (getting better)
I hit my head on that damn caliper: 32
... and swear: 30
I hit my head on the new jack stand: 16
... and swear: 16
Start to literally cry: 7
Simper like a bitch: 9
Curse God: 1
Curse Dodge: 2
Swear my revenge: 1
Nearly break my left arm squeezing it up into the snow smaller hole because I dropped the engine: 4
All in all, it was very embarassing. But the water pump is on. After two tries with the belt, it even goes on. It takes a long tome to tighten the bolts on the motor mount, but it gets done. Fill the radiator with the good stuff with equal parts H2O, and it is time for a test run.
Damn if nothing leaks.
So, it was my biggest job on the van and it only took six and a half hours. Sure, my dignity was flushed down the toilet, but it was a small price to pay to save 200 bucks I did not have. I apologize to Christan and Master-of-Sport-Mechanic and All-'Round Great Guy, My Personal Mechanicing Lifeline Terry for 1) FREAKING the Pol Pot Out 2) being a bastard and 3)showing my simpering bitch side.
I was absolutely whipped after this job. My arms, already worn out from squats the night before, were shot out. I felt like I spent the whole day swimming... and swearing.
Time: Six and a half hours
Credit: All to MASTER-OF-SPORT-MECHANIC AND ALL-'ROUND GREAT GUY, MY PERSONAL MECHANICING LIFELINE TERRY. He had it all figured out. I simply acted as half-assed, simpering bitch, foul-mouthed hands for his brain.
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