Nate
45 x 15
95 x 10
135 x 5
165 x 3
185 x 5
205 x 5
215 x 5... He said, "That's more than I weigh." "What?" I said. Turns out Nate has trimmed down from 240+ to 211. Amazing.
Logan
45 x 15
95 x 10
135 x 8
185 x 5
205 x 3
225 x 2p... I knew it was going to be a good night.
245 x 2p
260 x 2p
275 x 2p... solid first, grinding second. Helluva push.
2 board
285 x 1p
295 x 1p
Floor Press
155 x 10
175 x 10
195 x 10
Pete
45 x 15
95 x 10
135 x 8
185 x 5
225 x 3
275 x 2p... took the time to make sure I was balanced on the bench.
315 x 2p
335 x 1p
355 x 2p... SWEET! missed it for a double last week and could only hit 345 for 5 singles last multiple set week.
355 x 2p... even better.
355 x 2p... Yeah, buddy! And no shoulder pain.
Close Grip
275 x 3p
295 x 3p
315 x 3p... these are a little more rougher on the shoulder, kids.
Floor Press
215 x 8p
235 x 8p... I was done.
I cannot believe that Nate has Lost 30 lbs. He looks good, but damn!
Logan has really come on with his benching in the last few weeks. When we started, he could not get over 255. Has a real shot at 285/290.
I think I have finally found my bench setup form. No real arch, just a pinch of tightness in that direction and light pressure between the shoulder blades. If I keep my concentration and form, I have a good feeling about 400 in August.
Friday, June 22, 2012
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Training Log: Triumphal Return Friday
I was giving my back a rest so I originally planned on doing nothing, but I figured my hammies could use some work, so...
Pete
Romanian Split Squats
Bw x 12 x ea
30 x 10 x ea
50 x 10 x ea
60 x 10 x ea
75 x 10 x ea
Kneeling Pulley Crunch
210 x 15
220 x 15
230 x 15
240 x 15
250 x 15
Conventional Partial Deads
225 x 12
275 x 12
295 x 12
315 x 12
Shrugs
225 x 10
275 x 10
315 x 10
365 x 10
Seizure Kicks
2 sets of 12 x ea
I feel like a simulated a dead lift workout well. Quads, hamstrings, upper back and core all got hit.
Jacob
135 x 10
185 x 5
225 x 3
265 x 3
295 x 3
305 x 3 x 2 PR
Chris
135 x 10
185 x 5
225 x 5 x 4 sets
Leg Press
225 x 10
315 x 10
405 x 10
495 x 10... PR! Full ROM and no knee wraps
415 x 3... this video should have been lower
Gage
135 x 10
225 x 5
275 x 3
315 x 1
365 x 5
390 x 5
He was bitchy that the weight felt heavy, but it looked good to me.
415 x 3... He killed the first three and then lost his grip. See above.
415 x 4... hands were the issue. Fourth one is terrible, but his hands were really messed up.
415 x 4
Logan
135 x 10
225 x 8
315 x 5
365 x 3
405 x 1
440 x 5
500 x 3
500 x 3
Then he had to go for his heavy single, 95% of the projected max we had been working on.
560 x 1...PR!!! The most he has ever pulled in training, in a meet or anywhere.
560 x 1... PR!!!
I am really proud of him. He has only been training a little over three months and he has come a long way.
Pete
Romanian Split Squats
Bw x 12 x ea
30 x 10 x ea
50 x 10 x ea
60 x 10 x ea
75 x 10 x ea
Kneeling Pulley Crunch
210 x 15
220 x 15
230 x 15
240 x 15
250 x 15
Conventional Partial Deads
225 x 12
275 x 12
295 x 12
315 x 12
Shrugs
225 x 10
275 x 10
315 x 10
365 x 10
Seizure Kicks
2 sets of 12 x ea
I feel like a simulated a dead lift workout well. Quads, hamstrings, upper back and core all got hit.
Jacob
135 x 10
185 x 5
225 x 3
265 x 3
295 x 3
305 x 3 x 2 PR
Chris
135 x 10
185 x 5
225 x 5 x 4 sets
Leg Press
225 x 10
315 x 10
405 x 10
495 x 10... PR! Full ROM and no knee wraps
Gage
135 x 10
225 x 5
275 x 3
315 x 1
365 x 5
390 x 5
He was bitchy that the weight felt heavy, but it looked good to me.
415 x 3... He killed the first three and then lost his grip. See above.
415 x 4... hands were the issue. Fourth one is terrible, but his hands were really messed up.
415 x 4
Logan
135 x 10
225 x 8
315 x 5
365 x 3
405 x 1
440 x 5
500 x 3
Then he had to go for his heavy single, 95% of the projected max we had been working on.
560 x 1...PR!!! The most he has ever pulled in training, in a meet or anywhere.
I am really proud of him. He has only been training a little over three months and he has come a long way.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
The further Adventures of Proto-Mechanic: Home Edition or The Return of Dr. Frankenstein
The Place: Case de Proto, Gage's Room
The Job: Another Ceiling Fan
Estimated Time of Completion: 1 hour... I almost can't write that with a straight face.
Thanks to the piss-poor duct work of the good Doctor, the back two rooms of the house are warmer than the rest of the house. Gage's room is sweltering. I promised him I would install his ceiling fan by Sunday. So, Sunday, I mopped the kitchen floor(one of my alarmingly small TWO goals of the day), and got to the project.
The first thing I noticed when I opened the box was that this was a small ceiling fan. And then it happened. I actually thought to myself: "this is gonna be a cinch." For those of you who follow Proto, you know this doomed the entire job.
The fan itself was already wired for the light, so all I had to do was mount and wire it to the house. That's all I had to do. Firstly, and without hesitation, I went to the breaker box from hell to attempt to cut the power. The switch marked "Back Bedroom" turned off the power to the living room, so I just started making my way along the switches until the light in his room went off. Finally, the breaker switch labeled "Utility Closet" did the trick. I really need to re-label those things. So, I unhooked the light in Gage's room and quickly noticed a few things.
1) There were a hell of a lot of wires up in there, up in there. Two heavy blacks leading to the hot wire, a black and a white leading to the neutral and then two more heavy blacks linked together leading to the Dead Zone for all I knew. Oh, yeah, and a ground wire attached to the bracket. We will go back to that shortly.
2) Thanks to my handy-dandy voltmeter I was assured that there was no power flowing through those wires. I even did the use-a-wooden-sword-to-touch-the-hot-and-neutral-wires-as-I-cringe method of testing... just to be sure.
3) The wiring box is loose as a bum knee.
4) The screws on the mounting bracket look suspiciously stripped and of some alien head type I was not familiar with.
I tried to mount the fan mounting bracket to the wiring box mounting bracket, but nothing was working. I had to find a way to get the WBMB off with the stripped, alien screws. I was able to wedge a flat head into one of the screws and get it out. the other was not budging. I went and sat in the living room for a few minutes and thought about it. After those few minutes I simply ganked the hell out of the WBMB and it popped out. I figured in the back of my mind that I had done some sort of damage to the screw hole, but that was alright, I had a plan.
The FMB came with two types of mounting screws, longs and shorts. For the first hole, the short screw worked well. In the ganked hole, the short screw was, understandably, too small. but, here was my plan: I would use the bigger screw, see, and just overwhelm the ganked screw hole.
The ganked screw hole wanted no part of this. I went back into the living room to think and look at the old bracket with the ground wire attached to it. The wiring box had no ground wire coming off'n it. The ground was just accomplished by attaching the ground wire to the fixture and the bracket which was attached to the wiring box. Now, the FMB came with a ground wire, so I came up with a plan. I would use the ground wire from the old bracket to connect the FMB to the ganked hole. It was pretty heavy duty wire, so why not?
I attached the ground wire from the FMB to the pleasant screw, then jimmy rigged the FMB to the ganked screw hole with the old grounding wire. PERFECT! Except for the fact that, because the wiring box was so loose, the bracket wobbled back and forth. Bracket wobbles, ceiling fan wobbles. Balls.
Went out to the Proto garage and got a drill bit and two long screws. Long story short, I anchored the mounting bracket into the ceiling itself. Then I attached the fan and turned the power back on and flipped the switch... nothing.
I pawed like a cat at the ceiling fan, just in case my grounding was off. No thrumming, no shock. I pulled the chain on the fan... voila!
Then aside from cross threading one of the nuts that attached the fan to the FMB and then getting it all put back together and finding washers for those uncross-threaded mounting nuts, it was a cinch.
I swear it is an adventure anytime you have to do anything plumbing or electrical in this house.The original owner, Victor, was really good at using whatever he had lying around to make things seem like they work fine. Twenty years later, I get a nice surprise each and every time I try a DIY project at the Casa de Proto.
Only one, possibly two ceiling fans to go!
Time to completion: Three hours.
The Job: Another Ceiling Fan
Estimated Time of Completion: 1 hour... I almost can't write that with a straight face.
Thanks to the piss-poor duct work of the good Doctor, the back two rooms of the house are warmer than the rest of the house. Gage's room is sweltering. I promised him I would install his ceiling fan by Sunday. So, Sunday, I mopped the kitchen floor(one of my alarmingly small TWO goals of the day), and got to the project.
The first thing I noticed when I opened the box was that this was a small ceiling fan. And then it happened. I actually thought to myself: "this is gonna be a cinch." For those of you who follow Proto, you know this doomed the entire job.
The fan itself was already wired for the light, so all I had to do was mount and wire it to the house. That's all I had to do. Firstly, and without hesitation, I went to the breaker box from hell to attempt to cut the power. The switch marked "Back Bedroom" turned off the power to the living room, so I just started making my way along the switches until the light in his room went off. Finally, the breaker switch labeled "Utility Closet" did the trick. I really need to re-label those things. So, I unhooked the light in Gage's room and quickly noticed a few things.
1) There were a hell of a lot of wires up in there, up in there. Two heavy blacks leading to the hot wire, a black and a white leading to the neutral and then two more heavy blacks linked together leading to the Dead Zone for all I knew. Oh, yeah, and a ground wire attached to the bracket. We will go back to that shortly.
2) Thanks to my handy-dandy voltmeter I was assured that there was no power flowing through those wires. I even did the use-a-wooden-sword-to-touch-the-hot-and-neutral-wires-as-I-cringe method of testing... just to be sure.
3) The wiring box is loose as a bum knee.
4) The screws on the mounting bracket look suspiciously stripped and of some alien head type I was not familiar with.
I tried to mount the fan mounting bracket to the wiring box mounting bracket, but nothing was working. I had to find a way to get the WBMB off with the stripped, alien screws. I was able to wedge a flat head into one of the screws and get it out. the other was not budging. I went and sat in the living room for a few minutes and thought about it. After those few minutes I simply ganked the hell out of the WBMB and it popped out. I figured in the back of my mind that I had done some sort of damage to the screw hole, but that was alright, I had a plan.
The FMB came with two types of mounting screws, longs and shorts. For the first hole, the short screw worked well. In the ganked hole, the short screw was, understandably, too small. but, here was my plan: I would use the bigger screw, see, and just overwhelm the ganked screw hole.
The ganked screw hole wanted no part of this. I went back into the living room to think and look at the old bracket with the ground wire attached to it. The wiring box had no ground wire coming off'n it. The ground was just accomplished by attaching the ground wire to the fixture and the bracket which was attached to the wiring box. Now, the FMB came with a ground wire, so I came up with a plan. I would use the ground wire from the old bracket to connect the FMB to the ganked hole. It was pretty heavy duty wire, so why not?
I attached the ground wire from the FMB to the pleasant screw, then jimmy rigged the FMB to the ganked screw hole with the old grounding wire. PERFECT! Except for the fact that, because the wiring box was so loose, the bracket wobbled back and forth. Bracket wobbles, ceiling fan wobbles. Balls.
Went out to the Proto garage and got a drill bit and two long screws. Long story short, I anchored the mounting bracket into the ceiling itself. Then I attached the fan and turned the power back on and flipped the switch... nothing.
I pawed like a cat at the ceiling fan, just in case my grounding was off. No thrumming, no shock. I pulled the chain on the fan... voila!
Then aside from cross threading one of the nuts that attached the fan to the FMB and then getting it all put back together and finding washers for those uncross-threaded mounting nuts, it was a cinch.
I swear it is an adventure anytime you have to do anything plumbing or electrical in this house.The original owner, Victor, was really good at using whatever he had lying around to make things seem like they work fine. Twenty years later, I get a nice surprise each and every time I try a DIY project at the Casa de Proto.
Only one, possibly two ceiling fans to go!
Time to completion: Three hours.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Special Post: Because LiveJournal were not working: Sacrifice
I realized something the other day. Seems I have been making a mistake about the
concept of priorities. I have always thought of them as the things I do outside
of eating, sleeping and such. I have made lifting a priority over the last three
years and writing has gone by the wayside. I saw a video the other day about
training. In the video the narrator (who is apparently talking to inner city
athletes) says that in order to be successful you have to want whatever it is as
much as you want to breathe. I am not geared that way, but he went on to say
that "a lot of you want success but would rather spend time with your friends.
You want success but you want to sleep more." He then goes on to tell them about
the rapper Fifty Cent who was working on a movie and when he as not on set he
was in the studio working on the soundtrack. Someone asked him when he slept.
Fifty said, "Sleeping is for poor people."
And while a little hyperbolic, I immediately understood what I needed to do.
So, starting last Saturday I started to get up two hours earlier than I would normally would. The result:
Saturday: 1200 words
Sunday: I took off and will from here on out.
Monday: 1800 words
Tuesday: 2200 words
Wednesday: 1600 words
All on a brand new idea (that has been cooking for 17 years) and all as clean as I have ever written a rough first draft. All while the family slept so I was not taking any time away from anyone. All without hitting the snooze button once. My goal is 1500 words a morning. Initially it was a 1000, but that is a bit low. I'll stick with 1500.
Lost in a miasma of dissatisfaction with my life, I figured that I needed to something to change that life. It is not possible for me to go back to school right now. It would be too much to leave a job where I do a good work and am needed. I am not giving up lifting because it is too ingrained. Maybe I will never make it as a writer (and by "make it" I mean just scrape by a living doin' it), but I will never be able to do anything if I never do it and this is my response.
Of course, I have made such plans before and they have failed, but they have failed because of the priority factor. I was gonna write on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays. Other things like the gym, training, yard work, time with family, kept getting in the way. If nothing else, 5:15 to 6:45 am does not take away from anyone but me, and that is huge because I have always felt like writing when you have kids and a wife is an inherently selfish endeavor. All that happens is that my normal eight to nine hours of sleep gets cut to six or seven.
As of right now it is a price I am willing to pay. We will see if it pans out or not.
Then, as a side note, I had to skip the gym. Christan was chosen by one of the top ten students as one of their most influential teachers and was recognized at Honor's Night. I hate Honor's Night, but I was not going to miss it. Ten years ago, Christan received an award at Waycross College. I put up a stink and we did not go and I have never forgiven myself for it. I'll never miss another event.
And while a little hyperbolic, I immediately understood what I needed to do.
So, starting last Saturday I started to get up two hours earlier than I would normally would. The result:
Saturday: 1200 words
Sunday: I took off and will from here on out.
Monday: 1800 words
Tuesday: 2200 words
Wednesday: 1600 words
All on a brand new idea (that has been cooking for 17 years) and all as clean as I have ever written a rough first draft. All while the family slept so I was not taking any time away from anyone. All without hitting the snooze button once. My goal is 1500 words a morning. Initially it was a 1000, but that is a bit low. I'll stick with 1500.
Lost in a miasma of dissatisfaction with my life, I figured that I needed to something to change that life. It is not possible for me to go back to school right now. It would be too much to leave a job where I do a good work and am needed. I am not giving up lifting because it is too ingrained. Maybe I will never make it as a writer (and by "make it" I mean just scrape by a living doin' it), but I will never be able to do anything if I never do it and this is my response.
Of course, I have made such plans before and they have failed, but they have failed because of the priority factor. I was gonna write on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays. Other things like the gym, training, yard work, time with family, kept getting in the way. If nothing else, 5:15 to 6:45 am does not take away from anyone but me, and that is huge because I have always felt like writing when you have kids and a wife is an inherently selfish endeavor. All that happens is that my normal eight to nine hours of sleep gets cut to six or seven.
As of right now it is a price I am willing to pay. We will see if it pans out or not.
Then, as a side note, I had to skip the gym. Christan was chosen by one of the top ten students as one of their most influential teachers and was recognized at Honor's Night. I hate Honor's Night, but I was not going to miss it. Ten years ago, Christan received an award at Waycross College. I put up a stink and we did not go and I have never forgiven myself for it. I'll never miss another event.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Training Log: Two Bits of Good News and Bench Training for the Kiddies
1) My hamstrings hurt. This is a good thing.
2) Looks as if I might be making it to Men's Raw Nationals after all.
To the training footage... minus the footage.
Jacob: startin' from scratch!
Bench
45 x 10
95 x 5
135 x 3
155 x 10lp
155 x 10p
155 x 10... first 5 paused, second five tng.
155 x 6... first five tng, sixth paused
155 x 7fp
Close Grip
135 x 5p
140 x 5p
145 x 3p
Charles
45 x 10
95 x 5
135 x 3
175 x 5p
190 x 5p
200 x 4p... got out of the groove on the third rep and fought three and four all the way. Missed five.
200 x 4p... but the form was good.
3 board
215 x 3p... ugly
225 x 1p... no tightness at all.
225 x 3p... good boy.
Gage
45 x 10
95 x 5
135 x 3
185 x 2p
225 x 5p
240 x 5p
250 x 5p.. PR!!!
3 board
265 x 3p
275 x 3p... looked better than first set.
290 x 2p... close on a third.
Jacob was hurting, but we have to start him light and with lots of volume. Charles suffered from lack of tightness and focus. Gage is a benching machine.
2) Looks as if I might be making it to Men's Raw Nationals after all.
To the training footage... minus the footage.
Jacob: startin' from scratch!
Bench
45 x 10
95 x 5
135 x 3
155 x 10lp
155 x 10p
155 x 10... first 5 paused, second five tng.
155 x 6... first five tng, sixth paused
155 x 7fp
Close Grip
135 x 5p
140 x 5p
145 x 3p
Charles
45 x 10
95 x 5
135 x 3
175 x 5p
190 x 5p
200 x 4p... got out of the groove on the third rep and fought three and four all the way. Missed five.
200 x 4p... but the form was good.
3 board
215 x 3p... ugly
225 x 1p... no tightness at all.
225 x 3p... good boy.
Gage
45 x 10
95 x 5
135 x 3
185 x 2p
225 x 5p
240 x 5p
250 x 5p.. PR!!!
3 board
265 x 3p
275 x 3p... looked better than first set.
290 x 2p... close on a third.
Jacob was hurting, but we have to start him light and with lots of volume. Charles suffered from lack of tightness and focus. Gage is a benching machine.
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Training Log: The Night of a 1000 PR's and Finally, A Good Workout
Charles
Squat
45 x 10
135 x 5
185 x 3
225 x 2
275 x 1
315 x 1
340 x 1... PR!!
365 x 1... PR!!!
380 x 0... misload
380 x 0... Gave it a good ride, but it was a little too much. I wanted him to go 375, but he thought he could get the 380.
(Video quality sucks. Took it off a smartish phone, but at least they go right to youtube.)
Deadlift
Jacob
135 x 10
185 x 5
225 x 3
275 x 1
315 x 1
335 x 1... PR... He hitched it, but I will take it. He has had a rough cycle.
Gage
135 x 10
185 x 8
225 x 5
275 x 2
315 x 1
365 x 1
410 x 1
445 x 1... PR!!
455 x 1... PR!!!
Logan
135 x 10
225 x 8
315 x 5
365 x 2
405 x 1
435 x 3... Easy
465 x 3... looked a little harder.
490 x 4... Just like old times. I was talking horrible shit too him and he was getting MAD at the weight!
Pete 525 x 5... second set
On the second squat set, my hip was killing me. Just horrible every time I got under the bar, but I pushed through. Of course, after the set, my hip was a nightmare, but I tried to pull.
Deadlift: conventional
135 x 1... hip
135 x 5
225 x 4
315 x 3... finally loosening.
405 x 2
485 x 2... a bit slow on the first rep. Reset for second
485 x 2... better. Resets.
Deadlift: sumo: 90 seconds rest between sets
385 x 3... No Alibi, especially for the first one.
385 x 3... not much better
385 x 3... started to feel it
385 x 3 x 4... solid
385 x 3... FAST!
All in all a good night. Might have to give the hip a rest, but we shall see. I do not know why I squat better on Fridays in Blackshear than I do in Waycross on Tuesdays. Gonna bring the rack height up by one peg next week to see if that makes a difference. There was good energy tonight. It was fun.
Squat
45 x 10
135 x 5
185 x 3
225 x 2
275 x 1
315 x 1
340 x 1... PR!!
365 x 1... PR!!!
380 x 0... misload
380 x 0... Gave it a good ride, but it was a little too much. I wanted him to go 375, but he thought he could get the 380.
Charles 365 x 1... PR!!!
Deadlift
Jacob
135 x 10
185 x 5
225 x 3
275 x 1
315 x 1
335 x 1... PR... He hitched it, but I will take it. He has had a rough cycle.
Gage
135 x 10
185 x 8
225 x 5
275 x 2
315 x 1
365 x 1
410 x 1
445 x 1... PR!!
455 x 1... PR!!!
Gage 445 PR Deadlift
Gage 455 PR Deadlift
135 x 10
225 x 8
315 x 5
365 x 2
405 x 1
435 x 3... Easy
465 x 3... looked a little harder.
490 x 4... Just like old times. I was talking horrible shit too him and he was getting MAD at the weight!
Logan 490 x 4
Pete
I was so sore from Tuesday that I could not do body weight squats. I felt this was a bad thing.
45 x 10
135 x 8
225 x 5
315 x 3... started to feel right.
405 x 2
475 x 2
525 x 5... Did not feel great. I had trouble setting the weight right on my back.
525 x 5... This felt Good, but not as good as the video makes it look.
Pete 525 x 5... first set
On the second squat set, my hip was killing me. Just horrible every time I got under the bar, but I pushed through. Of course, after the set, my hip was a nightmare, but I tried to pull.
Deadlift: conventional
135 x 1... hip
135 x 5
225 x 4
315 x 3... finally loosening.
405 x 2
485 x 2... a bit slow on the first rep. Reset for second
485 x 2... better. Resets.
Deadlift: sumo: 90 seconds rest between sets
385 x 3... No Alibi, especially for the first one.
385 x 3... not much better
385 x 3... started to feel it
385 x 3 x 4... solid
385 x 3... FAST!
All in all a good night. Might have to give the hip a rest, but we shall see. I do not know why I squat better on Fridays in Blackshear than I do in Waycross on Tuesdays. Gonna bring the rack height up by one peg next week to see if that makes a difference. There was good energy tonight. It was fun.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
The Further Adventures of Proto-Mechanic: Home Edition or The Two Ceiling Fans
The Job: unhooking two old and installing two new ceiling fans.
The Place: Casa de Proto, "Den" and Living Room
Estimated Time to Completion: 2 hours total
A few shout outs:
1) to Big Dave who "always changes his ceiling fans after just switching off the light switch." You obviously have never dealt with my friend...
2) Dr. Frankenstein, who not only plumbed my house but apparently wired it as well. Rot in hell, you sonofabitch.
My first mistake was assuming that, after the difficulties of the Water Heater, this would be... sigh... a cinch.
I give you the Tale of the Two Ceiling Fans or Dr. Proto and Mr. Out-of-His-Damn-Mind Crazy Person.
So, after looking at the ceiling fans we bought a month ago gather dust under the window, I figured it was time to give it a whirl (hee-hee. Se what I did there?). First order of business was to take the old ceiling fan down in the living room. Switched the switch to "off." Ready to go. I mean really easy to take down. Only issue was that I lowered the motor shroud before undoing the blades and the shroud kept getting in the way as I removed the blades. If that were the worst of my problems, I... see, that was where I thought to myself, this is gonna be a cinch!
Unpack the ceiling fan and light fixture. Figure I would limit my above head work and attach the light fixture first. Mistake number one of eighty seven I would commit over the afternoon.
On a side note, a ceiling fan has roughly five hundred feet of wire in it. Proto will learn shortly that you have to trim these wires WAY back. Way. Back. That's called foreshadowing, folks.
So, with the fixture on you cannot put the fan blades on. Balls. I loosen the fixture to put the blades on.
Side note: Christan put together the fan blades. Did a real fine job of it, too. Only thing that went right from here on out.
Get the fan blades on and the fixture tightened up... and there is a bracket cover that needs to go over the motor and it probably needs to go on first, but Proto did not read the directions 'cause Proto knows all 'bout this shit and so Proto has to put the bracket cover on which says it only takes three screws with three lock washers but actually takes six and there are only three lock washers but HEY! Proto gets it on, so that part is done and the whole ceiling fan is together and that is yet another mistake.*
Go to put the support bracket up. No problem until... BLAM!
I see: A flash.
I feel: a jolt.
I hear:
Hot wires hitting metal: Blam!
Proto-Mechanic: "Son of Bitchin' Bulls%$T bastard! BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEP"
And like that the facade of control that has been Proto's life began its downward spiral.
Apparently there is still juice flowing. Thanks, Big Dave! I break out the voltmeter and, yes, a little bit of juice is flowing. Not much, but just enough to piss me off. So begins the search for the proper breaker. Oh, hey, thanks to Victor, there is not one. I turn all the power off to the house. (Ref: The Dishwasher Incident).
I cut the wires to shorten them, but not enough. How do I know that it is not enough? Lemme 'splain. We (Chris and Me) lift the WHOLE DAMN CEILING FAN up to the wires in order to splice them. This is the * from above. The thing is pretty heavy, but the wires are so long it is not a big issue. With a few delt resting pauses, I splice the wires and try to hook the fan's bracket cover over the bracket.
"It, will start, but it, it, it just won't go." (re: The Dishwasher Incident)
Finally get it locked into place, but it is a little catty whompus. I growl for Christan to turn the breaker and the thing is working. Light and all! Yay! But it is still crooked. I go to maneuver it and... Blam!
I see: 1) a flash and 2) smoke. Never a good sign.
I feel: an anger like I ain't felt in a looong time... and a jolt.
I hear: Lots of swearing.
I start: to weep. Not even kidding.
"Oh, yeah! Dave just does it by turning off the (bleeping) switch! Terry (proper name left out in my anger) does it with Jedi Mind tricks. (SWEAR!!!) Oh, and your brother (to Christan), your..." I begin to weep again.
Throw the breakers to the house, and pull the ceiling fan down. The wires were still too long (see, I told ya!) and got pressed against the bracket, cutting the insulation and completing the circuit of horror. The result: burned through wires.
The result: I lost my ever loving mind.
Five minutes later, I begin weeping again.
Christan: "Maybe you should step away from it for a while."
Proto with Madness in his Eyes: "No! I have to to finish it!" More weeping.
So, cut the wires down and then we wrestle with the fully assembled ceiling fan for twenty minutes before we have to stop. Christan just can't hold it up for long. Damn her and her weak delts. Lord, I wanted to kill her, though I recognize it was not her or her delts's fault. Now anyway. At the time it very well could have been.
I storm out of the house to get the ladder, but the power to the garage is off.
I lose my ever-loving mind.
Ten minutes later, I begin to cry.
Power on. Get the ladder. Power off. Set the fan on the ladder and in another fifteen minutes, we (yup, she hung around) we have a ceiling fan that works. The only down side is that the ceiling around the fan is 1) scorched and 2) ratty looking cause the old fan housing was way bigger.
Christan: "We may have to patch that."
Proto: "What?!"
Christan: "Never mind."
Proto: "I hope you die!"
Good news, the pull fobs for the fixtures are nice.
Fan one and Mr. Insane-O: 3.5 hours
Roughly twenty four hours later, I start to open the other fan box.
Christan: "Ah, feeling froggy, huh."
Proto: "Me-me-meh-meh." As any adult would. "Just put the fan blades together and hush."
Christan: Laughs with mocking eyes. I say nothing. I owe her one for releasing the madness twenty-four hours previous. Roughly.
I DO NOT attach the light fixture. I DO NOT attach the blades.
I DO use my voltmeter. I DO find a breaker that turns off the 115 volts flowing through those wires. I DO use a metal plate on the end of a broom to test whether the power is REALLY off.
We DO strain for a few minutes of rubbery delts to hook up the motor. Thirty minutes later, we DO have a fan and ten minutes later than that we DO have a light fixture and there is no sign of the crazy man from before though he was a shadow in Proto's eye when Proto cracked one of the new fixture glass bulbs.
Fan two and Dr. Proto: one hour.
Fan three: Screw that shit.
The Place: Casa de Proto, "Den" and Living Room
Estimated Time to Completion: 2 hours total
A few shout outs:
1) to Big Dave who "always changes his ceiling fans after just switching off the light switch." You obviously have never dealt with my friend...
2) Dr. Frankenstein, who not only plumbed my house but apparently wired it as well. Rot in hell, you sonofabitch.
My first mistake was assuming that, after the difficulties of the Water Heater, this would be... sigh... a cinch.
I give you the Tale of the Two Ceiling Fans or Dr. Proto and Mr. Out-of-His-Damn-Mind Crazy Person.
So, after looking at the ceiling fans we bought a month ago gather dust under the window, I figured it was time to give it a whirl (hee-hee. Se what I did there?). First order of business was to take the old ceiling fan down in the living room. Switched the switch to "off." Ready to go. I mean really easy to take down. Only issue was that I lowered the motor shroud before undoing the blades and the shroud kept getting in the way as I removed the blades. If that were the worst of my problems, I... see, that was where I thought to myself, this is gonna be a cinch!
Unpack the ceiling fan and light fixture. Figure I would limit my above head work and attach the light fixture first. Mistake number one of eighty seven I would commit over the afternoon.
On a side note, a ceiling fan has roughly five hundred feet of wire in it. Proto will learn shortly that you have to trim these wires WAY back. Way. Back. That's called foreshadowing, folks.
So, with the fixture on you cannot put the fan blades on. Balls. I loosen the fixture to put the blades on.
Side note: Christan put together the fan blades. Did a real fine job of it, too. Only thing that went right from here on out.
Get the fan blades on and the fixture tightened up... and there is a bracket cover that needs to go over the motor and it probably needs to go on first, but Proto did not read the directions 'cause Proto knows all 'bout this shit and so Proto has to put the bracket cover on which says it only takes three screws with three lock washers but actually takes six and there are only three lock washers but HEY! Proto gets it on, so that part is done and the whole ceiling fan is together and that is yet another mistake.*
Go to put the support bracket up. No problem until... BLAM!
I see: A flash.
I feel: a jolt.
I hear:
Hot wires hitting metal: Blam!
Proto-Mechanic: "Son of Bitchin' Bulls%$T bastard! BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEP"
And like that the facade of control that has been Proto's life began its downward spiral.
Apparently there is still juice flowing. Thanks, Big Dave! I break out the voltmeter and, yes, a little bit of juice is flowing. Not much, but just enough to piss me off. So begins the search for the proper breaker. Oh, hey, thanks to Victor, there is not one. I turn all the power off to the house. (Ref: The Dishwasher Incident).
I cut the wires to shorten them, but not enough. How do I know that it is not enough? Lemme 'splain. We (Chris and Me) lift the WHOLE DAMN CEILING FAN up to the wires in order to splice them. This is the * from above. The thing is pretty heavy, but the wires are so long it is not a big issue. With a few delt resting pauses, I splice the wires and try to hook the fan's bracket cover over the bracket.
"It, will start, but it, it, it just won't go." (re: The Dishwasher Incident)
Finally get it locked into place, but it is a little catty whompus. I growl for Christan to turn the breaker and the thing is working. Light and all! Yay! But it is still crooked. I go to maneuver it and... Blam!
I see: 1) a flash and 2) smoke. Never a good sign.
I feel: an anger like I ain't felt in a looong time... and a jolt.
I hear: Lots of swearing.
I start: to weep. Not even kidding.
"Oh, yeah! Dave just does it by turning off the (bleeping) switch! Terry (proper name left out in my anger) does it with Jedi Mind tricks. (SWEAR!!!) Oh, and your brother (to Christan), your..." I begin to weep again.
Throw the breakers to the house, and pull the ceiling fan down. The wires were still too long (see, I told ya!) and got pressed against the bracket, cutting the insulation and completing the circuit of horror. The result: burned through wires.
The result: I lost my ever loving mind.
Five minutes later, I begin weeping again.
Christan: "Maybe you should step away from it for a while."
Proto with Madness in his Eyes: "No! I have to to finish it!" More weeping.
So, cut the wires down and then we wrestle with the fully assembled ceiling fan for twenty minutes before we have to stop. Christan just can't hold it up for long. Damn her and her weak delts. Lord, I wanted to kill her, though I recognize it was not her or her delts's fault. Now anyway. At the time it very well could have been.
I storm out of the house to get the ladder, but the power to the garage is off.
I lose my ever-loving mind.
Ten minutes later, I begin to cry.
Power on. Get the ladder. Power off. Set the fan on the ladder and in another fifteen minutes, we (yup, she hung around) we have a ceiling fan that works. The only down side is that the ceiling around the fan is 1) scorched and 2) ratty looking cause the old fan housing was way bigger.
Christan: "We may have to patch that."
Proto: "What?!"
Christan: "Never mind."
Proto: "I hope you die!"
Good news, the pull fobs for the fixtures are nice.
Fan one and Mr. Insane-O: 3.5 hours
Roughly twenty four hours later, I start to open the other fan box.
Christan: "Ah, feeling froggy, huh."
Proto: "Me-me-meh-meh." As any adult would. "Just put the fan blades together and hush."
Christan: Laughs with mocking eyes. I say nothing. I owe her one for releasing the madness twenty-four hours previous. Roughly.
I DO NOT attach the light fixture. I DO NOT attach the blades.
I DO use my voltmeter. I DO find a breaker that turns off the 115 volts flowing through those wires. I DO use a metal plate on the end of a broom to test whether the power is REALLY off.
We DO strain for a few minutes of rubbery delts to hook up the motor. Thirty minutes later, we DO have a fan and ten minutes later than that we DO have a light fixture and there is no sign of the crazy man from before though he was a shadow in Proto's eye when Proto cracked one of the new fixture glass bulbs.
Fan two and Dr. Proto: one hour.
Fan three: Screw that shit.
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